Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Side-lights on Politics 2: Christianity

By our special correspondent 23/08/2006:
Yesterday, at St. Constantius Church Hall, Lesser Pudding, the new Christian Political organisation, the British Union of Christian Groups (BUG), held its opening press conference. Present were the group's committee: The Rev. Harold Woodshed (Great Snoring); Sir Newton Newton-Newton, former pencil-carrier to the Duke of Edinburgh; the Rev. Uther Pencildragon. The chairman was Monty Bristow (come again, wasn't he chairman for the atheists, too?), rich man and the group's main backer (this is the same man!). The Rev. Harold Woodshed welcomed the gentlemen of the press:

Woodshed: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen of the press. It's so lovely to see you all here today. I hope you'll bear with us today before the ladies bring in the cakes.

Sir Newton (smiling): And there are some very nice cakes there.

Woodshed: Well, we're tired (yawns) of the way Christianity is ignored in this country. The British Union of Christian Groups intends to make a contribution, in a very real sense, to British politics.

Press: Will you be running candidates at the next election?

Woodshed: Goodness me, no! We'll leave that to the politicians. They're doing a really difficult job and they need our support.

Press #2: Will you be issuing voter guides, then?

Sir Newton: Why would voters need guiding. They're not stupid, you know. Why, I remember saying to Phillip...

Woodshed: If we issued voter guides, that might upset politicians who are, as I said, doing a very difficult job under a great deal of pressure. Pickets and angry letters do not help the image of Christianity...

Sir Newton (cupping his ear): What's that about cricket? Dashed bad show with that umpire, don't you know...

Press: So what will you do?

Pencildragon: Write letters. Lots of letters, disappointed letters which say we love the politicians but are disappointed with them. And we'll say angry things about them to our wives and friends.

Press #2: Won't your followers be called BUG-ers, which sounds a bit rude?

Woodshed: Oh.

Press: Mr. Chairman, didn't you chair the atheists' meeting in the Longe Legges yesterday?

Bristow: Yes, but don't tell my wife I was in there.

Press: How can you back both groups?

Bristow (laughing): Hahaha! For I, Monty Bristow, will have my revenge! I am the Disturber! I shall pit one group in society against another. Soon there will be no society, only the war of all on all! I, Monty Bristow will have my revenge on the society that rejected me! (Sinks through the stage, laughing)

Sir Newton (who has fallen asleep): What?

Woodshed: While it seems that Monty Bristow is in reality a cartoonish super-villain, we must reach out to cartoonish super-villains. In a very real sense, the cartoonish super-villain is our neighbour... (drones on until all slumber, before falling alseep himself).


Zack said...

The female read this and went and choked to death quietly on the couch.

Sir Richard Arcos said...

You'd be surprised.

Sir Newton Newton-Newton is apparently still in the hall, although everyone else went home. He's still talking to a chair in the belief it's a journalist.

a local superhero said...

Fight evil with salsa!

On a more conversational note, I once mistook my long, thin undergarment for my arch-foe. It terrorized me for hours and finally, faint with hunger, let me go.

a local superhero said...

Actually my long, thin undergarment is my arch-foe.

As long as I live, to stand between the two of us (him and I), he will never be uncontested in evil.

Sir Richard Arcos said...

He and I, Laddie, he and I. Which suggests a method of dealing with the evil thing. Get it to drop an aitch, then sand on it and poke 'em in the snoot.

a local superhero said...

Are you sure about that? Shouldn't I rather have said 'him and me'-- since they are being used as objects of 'between', expanding 'us' not 'we'?

In any case I stand between my underthings and myself.

Sir Richard Arcos said...

Yes, I am as certain of it as I am that Sir Neton Newton-Newton isn't sure of anything.