By our special correspondent 22/08/2006:
Yesterday, at the Longe Legges Hotel, Pudding Norton, the British Atheists Together for Secularism (BATS), a new political association announced its formation. The press conference was addressed by Rodney Key, lecturer in philosophy and fashion at Great Snoring Community College; Dr. Sheddie Pinkie, research scientist in cosmetics; and Wallace Williams, journalist. Monty Bristow, rich man and main backer, chaired the conference:
Rodney Key: in protest at the increasing inluence of religion in politics, we are forming a new political association to campaign for atheist candidates at elections. This means that we can promote true moral ethics, rather than the false and evil ethics promoted by Christianity. For example, Calvin...
Dr. Pinkie (interrupting): What moral systems? Look, Rod, atheism has no foundation for moral absolutes. By freeing ourselves from moral absolutes, we are able to free men from the tyranny of laws.
Key: You can't say that!
Pinkie: Just did, chum. Look, I don't want some Puritan telling me who I can and can't have sex with. What right do you have to judge me?
Key: You left your wife when she was pregnant, forcing her to live off the dole while she brought up your children. According to the law...
Pinkie: The Law's a bore, Rod, and you know it. She could have aborted them. I should be able to have them killed. They're only cells. At least my first wife had the good grace to stand by the window when I pushed her out...
Key: No! You're evil!
Pinkie: Says who? I say what I've done is right. The sole good is my good. There is no will but my will, hahaha!
Wallace William: Moving on, our programme is that Theism is outmoded and should be replaced by a rational system of morals.
Pinkie: Pah! What morals? I make my own morals.
Key: No, morals must be decided by the majority.
Pinkie: I say the majority's wrong. The strong make their own morality...
(There is a fight, and Pinkie is bound, gagged and thrown into the back of a Police Car.)
Bristow: Can we have some questions now?
Silly little man: Is Dr. Pinkie sane?
Bristow: What's sane?
Man: You tell me? Are you?
(he is dragged out by burly stewards.)
At this point the press conference ended, as the Longe Legges, a notorious leg-show was raided by the Police. Tomorrow our special correspondent will be attending a meeting of the rival group, the British Union of Christian Groups (BUG).