Friday, August 25, 2006

Creationism update 1: Monty Bristow's monster.

From the religion desk:
Yesterday, in a secular fury, Harris Williams, a disciple of Bobby Henderson, approached the office of Monty Bristow, alias the Disturber, about his proposal to endow a Chair of Inteligent design. He wrote to Mr. Bristow in the vein of Mr. Henderson's 'Flying Spaghetti Monster' parody, demanding that Mr. Bristow also endow a Chair of FSM-ism.

When Monty Bristow granted him an interview, no-one was more surprised than Harris Williams. Still, filled with confidence in his abilities, this atheist went in to see Monty Bristow. As he entered the huge room, Monty Bristow rose to greet him.

"Why, Mr. Williams," the super-villain smiled. "So, you believe in a Flying Spaghetti Monster, do you?"

Harris decided to press the parody and agreed with Bristow. He declared his belief that everything was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, although no-one had ever seen it, and it could pass through matter.

"So," Bristow smiled, voice l0w. "No-one has ever seen a Flying Spaghetti Monster, have they?"

Williams' eyes opened in fear, as a huge trap-door in the floor opened. Something huge and formless rose from the pit beneath. Two eyes on stalks looked straight at Mr. Williams, while huge, slimy tentacles waved. The smell of Italian food filled the air.

"No... no!" the atheist blanched. "It cannot be! You don't exist!"

Monty Bristow laughed still more loudly.

"Oh, it exists, Mr. Williams!" he cried in unholy triumph, "it exists! Believe in it, believe in the terror of the Disturber!"

Closer and closer came the ghastly thing.

"NO!" Williams screamed in terror. "I don't believe in you! It was a joke!"

"Believe or disbelieve," Bristow laughed. "This flying spaghetti monster is real!" His laughter became louder, madder. "But this flying spaghetti monster created nothing! I, Monty Bristow, created it! And I control it!

Williams tried to run, but found himself rooted to the spot.

"It cannot create, only destroy!" Monty Bristow gestured to the quivering creature. "Kill him, my pretty!"

The great slimy beast enveloped the screaming, immoblised Williams.

21 comments:

Monty Bristow said...

No man can stand against the Disturber!

a local superhero said...

Even you, Monty Bristow, can never withstand the combined forces of HABANERO MAN and his long, thin UNDEEERGARMEEENT!!

Zack said...

The female used to have a microwave named Genghis Khan. One night she put in a waffle for a few seconds and found when she came back found that the microwave had taken advantage of her absence to pillage the waffle and scorch it. The smoke billowed up and could be seen all the way into the living room. Genghis would be peaceable, almost sluggish, for whole days together and then suddenly take it into his head (which was all he had really) to raid and decimate the leftovers, laying waste to whole casseroles. I am fairly certain the flying spaghetti monster would be short work for Genghis.

HZ said...

The male thought of Genghis as the peoples champion, actually.

Voltaire Reincarnate said...

Monty Bristow, I am thinking of transmigrating your soul into a one-legged Canada goose living in Westchester County. Then who would have trouble standing?

The Green Man said...

The Green Man has found many allies. Monty Bristow shall not stand. Genghis Khan shall make make swift work of his Flying Spaghetti Monster!

The Girl in Grey said...

Although no MAN can stand against Monty Bristow I'd like to see him take his chances against ME!

Monty Bristow said...

Stand against you? With please...

Hahahahahahaha!

The Green Man said...

Bristow, you degenerate! You will suffer the fury of the Green Man!

the girl in grey said...

Mr. Bristow! I thought you were a gentleman super-villain! Obviously I was wrong! Or maybe it's the effect of the tight grey costume... Green man, I may have to get to Bristow first, just to teach him a lesson about how to treat a lady.

He has been warned

Monty Bristow said...

I'm an aristocratic super-villan, similar in appearance to Peter Wyngarde. As such, while I have the manners of a gentleman, I have the mind of an eighteenth century rake. All lower persons are mere peons to be destroyed at my pleasure, and all women mere objects of amusement.

the girl in grey said...

Bristow, if you want a lesson in manners I shall be VERY happy to teach you.

Monty Bristow said...

And I, dear one, shall be VERY happy to learn!

Hah! Hah! Hah!

No-one can defeat the evil of Monty Bristow! I shall have my revenge against all humanity!

the girl in grey said...

Now let's not get too familiar here, you villain!

L. Madison said...

Too right. We do have to satisfy the censors, you know.

the girl in grey said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention my sister and chaperone, who is a dab-hand with Ninja throwing-stars, among other things. Just to make sure dates don't get too familiar. She has the censor's interests at hand there, although excessive violence...

L. Madison said...

Ninja throwing stars are out in the UK and always have been. Censorship guidelines are most explicit.

the girl in grey said...

I shall inform her of that, and she'll switch to a bow and arrow.

L. Madison said...

Bows and arrows are fine with the censor.

the girl in grey said...

Bows and arrows it is, then.

L. Madison said...

There we are. All done.