Sunday Supplement: Among the Authentic Churchmen

Sir Richard Arcos writes: This Sunday saw me visiting my old friend Sir Ninian Loom-Ninian at his country seat, Lower Lumbar Manor, near East Dereham. Sir Ninian Loom-Ninian is lay defeaner and exhorter of the Authentic Church, a new pressure-group/sect/movement/confusion in Christianity/religion/spirituality. The Authentic Church was holding its annual/weekly/monthy/bimonthly meeting/bunfight/jamboree/inquest at Lower Lumbar church, a rather nice pre-Victorian structure. An attempt was made a few years back to re-seat the church, but the building is listed. So they attempted to build a new church, only to find that the place is a conservation area. One chap decided to re-interpret the planning regulations in the light of modern thought, the same way that they reinterpret the scriptures. This man may now be reached at Norwich Prison.

The Minister tried to enter through the north, rather than the south door. He discovered, however, that the North door had been bricked up for several centuries. His attempt to re-define the bricks as a door failed, and he knocked himself out. Fortunately, the Authentic Church believes in a conversation, so people were invited to contribute. I picked Sir Ninian's pocket, locked the door, got up into the pulpit and preached until it was quite dark. Fortunately, they redefined day as night, so they didn't notice. At the same time, some other people in the congregation declared that I was speaking to them. I told them they were very clever.

By nine o'clock at night, people were very hungry, and one faction in the congregation/gathering/witches' sabbat were all for redefining another faction as food. The church had to be opened. A few attempted to leave by the north door and knocked themselves cold as well.

I have been invited next week to the Cess-pool Church, Norwich, one of the leading churches of the Authentic Church.