Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Sir Richard Arcos writes

The latest Dispatch from the front. In this case Pudding Norton College (picture taken from its prospectus). As the school welcomes back students, the First Master, Baron von Ztrongharm, has assured parents that mysterious disappearances will be kept to a minumum, and that the regrettable incident where the finger of a long-missing child was found in a meat pie was an anomaly. Normally children are served to the others within two days, while the meat is still fresh.

Parents have also been told that the school, famed for its crafts programme, will actually hold an open evening at some point in the future, some time around Easter (possibly as early as 2020) and at midnight. This is in order to hide the fact that the school prospectus photographs are of a stately home outside Bridgend, South Wales, the school actually being housed in a number of squalid sheds where the children are forced to produce cheap consumer goods for export to Albania.

The co-educational Sixth-Form has attracted further controversy, as the girls were found in a burlesque joint in Great Yarmouth a month ago, apart from the two who were sold to the Harem of the Sheik of Barri-Barri. The First Master explained to parents that the school has now overcome the funding crisis that forced those steps. Additionally, the vice squad noticed. Massage skills are to be taught instead of dancing (exotic).

The Council has won the catering contract, and roast child is to be replaced with roadkill stew from the first day of term.

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