Agony Column

Our guest columnist, Sparrowhawk addresses the problems and concerns of people who've written in. To her. She says:

Daddy suggested that I fill in for him while he's on holiday in South America, so I thought I'd give people the benefit of my experience (the life of adventure bit, not being stuck in a nursing home for a decade). Well, here goes...

Dear Hawkie: My boyfriend's been ignoring me lately, and I think there may be another woman on his mind, what should I do? Anonymous, Brighton.

First, check that he has a mind. Then tell him about your troubles. If he still ignores you, then tie him to the sofa. That ought to get his attention.

Dear Hawkie: There's this really nice girl at work who I'd like to ask out, only she thinks I'm a joke and won't take me seriously. What do you suggest? Confused, Bath.

I suggest you rob the safe and run off to... No, sorry, scrub that, I'm meant to be a good girl. Just buy her chocolates, stuff like that. If she still won't have you, then send all the chocolates to me, c/o Sir Richard Arcos. I'll appreciate them.

Dear Hawkie: My boss has asked me to have an affair with him. It's really embarrassing and he keeps asking, what do I do? Miss X, Perth.

I've always found a kidney punch deters unwelcome suitors. Failing that, push him out of a first floor window. If you can't, I'll do it for you. Next!

Dear Hawkie: About a year ago, I started going out with a really nice guy. He seemed to share all my interests, and was really kind and considerate. A few months ago, his ex-girlfriend came back from the dead, so to speak, and started trying to get back with him. If she keeps on this way, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ... oh, you know what I mean, keep your hands off the Green Man if you want to stay healthy, you interfering, conniving little... Anonymous, London.

(Gulp), love to answer your question, but I gotta run! Catch you again, folks!